... to all of you from all of us (including Calamity, Gaius Maximus, Antonio and Noah), with this contribution from Guinevere the Druid Goddess (and with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore) ....
'Twas the night before Solstice, and through Caesar's Palace
Strange creatures were stirring, some laughing, some callous.
The casino glistened and hummed with the prayer
That fair Lady Luck would soon visit some there.
The children were scattered, the pets home abed,
While visions of jackpots danced in our heads.
And Yahn with his Scotch, and me with champagne
Were just settling in to enjoy a game
When from the roulette wheel arose such a clatter
We sprang from our seats to see what was the matter.
We flew to the wheel, we moved in a flash ...
Saw Bubba from Texas walk off with his cash.
The lights and the tinsel put on quite a show
And gave bright luster to rooms all aglow.
Then what to our wondering eyes should appear
But Caesar, and Cleo and tribunes ... so near!
A little old lady, so lively and charming
Was stuffing her bills in slots so disarming.
More rapid than eagles the slot reels all turned,
Just chiming and flashing while money was burned.
"Now Double, Now Triple" ... her play quite excessive ...
"Now Ten Times the jackpot ... Now hit the Progressive!"
First stroke the machine, now slap it and hit it ...
Now quit with the winnings and cash in the ticket.
Dancing as fireflies on warm summer nights
The players cavorted, and reached for new heights.
From table to table, to slot and to wheel ...
Some winning, some losing ...the scene so unreal.
And then in a twinkling I heard in the din
"Omigod, Megabucks!!! Oh, man, did I win???"
As I craned my head and was turning around
Down the aisle the floor super came with a bound.
Dressed in his tux, from his neck to his shoe,
Color-coordinated, three shades of blue.
A bundle of money arrayed in his hand,
Form 1099 ... the crowd started to stand.
His eyes how they twinkled ... the gleam of his teeth!
With goatee and mustache, suggesting a wreath!
His tight little mouth was pursed in a bow
Framed in his whiskers, white as new snow.
Red-faced with glasses and wide eyes to boot.
He looked like an owl getting ready to hoot.
Professionally jolly, a surrogate elf ...
I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
Cocking his eyebrow he checked the machine ...
A tight little laugh, between funny and mean.
With a roll of his eyes and a clearing of throat,
He turned to the player and straightened his coat.
"Sir, don't you know that when playing the slots
Only "Maximum Bet" wins "Progressive" jackpots?"
He paid out some hundreds, then left with the money ....
It could have been millions ... so NOT even funny ....
But I heard him exclaim, as he flew up the aisle
"Amateurs! Amateurs!" Then he started to smile ....
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4 comments:
By George, you’ve still got it!!! Loved the story. Have you thought of sending to the editor? Think you should. This may be one of your best ever, BFF. I’ll forward to some of my folks, if you don’t mind.
You should make this your Christmas card.
Sweet picture of you and Yahn.
Thank'ee kindly BFF ... and feel free to forward!
BTW, this IS our holiday card. I've been too lazy (or otherwise engaged) to get out and buy any this year ....
)O(
Jenn, I have read this at least 10 time...what a dunce I am, huh??? OK....the workings of the progressive has finally settled into my brain, and that was on the 5th of 6th read. As I read it tonignt, I see merely just another night at Caesar's Palace for you two. ??? Just another night out on the town? You failed to mention how you won the Progressive while the others were counting all of the money they lost! Some people were just born to live in Vegas!
Ah, Shee-Ra. I have won a few smaller "progressives" ... for a few thousand here and there... Unfortunately (rats!) I've never won Megabucks or one of the HUGE progressives ... although I've come sooooooo close.... Ha! Believe me, if I had ever won one of the HUGE progressive jackpots, I'd be writing this from my seaside villa in Fiji, or Bali....
For those unfamiliar with slots or gambling in general ... "Maximum Bet" refers to the maximum amount you are permitted to bet on any play. As an example, if you are allowed to bet three coins in a $1 slot machine, then you must play $3 on each spin of the reels to win the larger amounts. Some people ... amateurs! ... will just play $1 on each spin, which of course conserves their money, but also blocks them from winning the larger "progressive" jackpots ... or just the higher-paying wins.
I've seen several people in the casinos who, either unaware of this or unwilling to risk more money on each play, only bet one coin, rather than the maximum. Then, to their chagrin, when the reels stop on what would have been a major jackpot, they only win a fraction of what they might have received. Bummer!
If the slots are running "with you", you can play for quite a while playing on the "house's money", and sometimes win some tidy amounts. Anything under $1200 is non-taxable; after that, you must fill out a 1099 and the casino reports the win to the IRS. Rule of thumb: If you are approaching the "magic number" of $1200 ... cash out that ticket even if you stay on the same machine and then keep playing. You can actually cash in several individual tickets (let's say 10) at $1000 each, without paying taxes, which would be due on a single, $10,000 ticket.
So, always play "Maximum Bet" ... but always, always know what your limit is (the amount you are willing to lose) and stick with it. If the slots are not with you, or turn against you, know when to walk away ... and then do it!!!
Sometimes I have to restrain Guinevere the D.G. ... the girl is the eternal optimist!!! But there IS a pony in there somewhere ....
)O(
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