The following post is published at the request of our former classmate, Betty Smith Merritt. Previously we published a short Show and Tell biography of Betty. Today it is my priviledge to share more of Betty's story with you as she relates two heartbreaking events in her life through poetry. Recently we have used a lot of our blog space to talk about aging and about death. These two experiences in Betty's life present a new perspective for us to consider from the stand point of a survivor--a daughter, and a mother. One of the goals that has been established for this blog is to get re-acquainted with each other, the Class of 1963, and to reach out and extend comfort, love, and support to one another, to share our experiences and our strengths. That having been said, I give you Betty's Story.
My Story
As long as I can remember, I’ve loved putting words on paper. I like the way they look and feel. They give me great pleasure when I read them.
So I set out to write the greatest love story of all time - in the form of a contemporary romance novel. There were thousands of words inside my head just waiting to be written.
Then my heart got involved. I had an aneurysm on my Aorta and according to a handful of doctors, my chances for survival were slim… but they didn’t consult with my Great Physician…I did!
While recuperating, I was dismayed to discover that all those lovely words were gone. I couldn’t concentrate long enough to make a plot thicken and jell.
So I ask the Master to give me back the words…And He did …just not in the form I expected! I’d never written poetry and quite frankly, don’t know how.
I just hold the pen and listen to His voice in my heart.
At first, I was very upset and full of regret because I had three novels in various stages of completion and a Harlequin contract waiting to be signed!
After a lot of mental anguish and prayer, the light bulb finally came on and I realized He’d given me exactly what I’d asked for…The words to write the greatest Love Story of all time! It’s His Story, not mine…
Betty Merritt
December 1995
As long as I can remember, I’ve loved putting words on paper. I like the way they look and feel. They give me great pleasure when I read them.
So I set out to write the greatest love story of all time - in the form of a contemporary romance novel. There were thousands of words inside my head just waiting to be written.
Then my heart got involved. I had an aneurysm on my Aorta and according to a handful of doctors, my chances for survival were slim… but they didn’t consult with my Great Physician…I did!
While recuperating, I was dismayed to discover that all those lovely words were gone. I couldn’t concentrate long enough to make a plot thicken and jell.
So I ask the Master to give me back the words…And He did …just not in the form I expected! I’d never written poetry and quite frankly, don’t know how.
I just hold the pen and listen to His voice in my heart.
At first, I was very upset and full of regret because I had three novels in various stages of completion and a Harlequin contract waiting to be signed!
After a lot of mental anguish and prayer, the light bulb finally came on and I realized He’d given me exactly what I’d asked for…The words to write the greatest Love Story of all time! It’s His Story, not mine…
Betty Merritt
December 1995
"My Story" which is the last page of each book of poetry I've written. It's something I've shared consistently since 1995 because I'm convinced there's a reason God wasn't finished with me yet!
That Old Man Around Town
Betty Merritt
With an old black felt hat
Pulled low across his brow
No matter what the weather
He’d walk for hour after hour
Collecting bits and pieces
Searching for the unknown
Finding the unexpected
He’d take his treasures home
Sometimes he’d tap his forehead and say
His mind wasn’t what it used to be
Locked away in the world of Alzheimer’s
He knew neither you nor me
He had the understanding of a child
And a body grown fail and old
But God saw inside his heart and knew
All was well with his soul
Betty Merritt
With an old black felt hat
Pulled low across his brow
No matter what the weather
He’d walk for hour after hour
Collecting bits and pieces
Searching for the unknown
Finding the unexpected
He’d take his treasures home
Sometimes he’d tap his forehead and say
His mind wasn’t what it used to be
Locked away in the world of Alzheimer’s
He knew neither you nor me
He had the understanding of a child
And a body grown fail and old
But God saw inside his heart and knew
All was well with his soul
"That Ole Man" and "The Strong One" are about my dad before his death on December 9, 2000 from Alzheimer's. There were so many times when I had to wonder exactly who the strong one really was during that time. Most of the time, I could tell he had no clue who I was; he actually called me the "VA Lady" because of all the paperwork I had to do, mostly concerning the VA. And then there were moments of complete clarity when I knew he understood exactly what was happening.
The Strong One
Betty Merritt
She took his frail, old hand
And led him down the long hallway
Both trembled as she said softly
“Daddy, this is where we want you to stay”
The time had come and gone for him to live alone
And it was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do
But she believed it was for the best as she said
“We’ve found someone to take good care of you”
He wiped a tear from his faded old blue eyes
And said they were bothering him some
But squeezed her hand when she said
“We’ve worked hard to find you a new home”
She tried to be brave
But it took every ounce of courage that she had
As she showed him around the room and asked
“You’ll be alright here, won’t you, Dad?”
For a moment, understanding glimmered in his eyes
As he said “Sometimes it’s hard to do what you have to do”
And before the glimmer faded, he smiled and said
“I’m mighty proud of you”
Then with the blink of a eye
Without a care in the world
He turned and walked away
Forgetting she was his little girl
Betty Merritt
She took his frail, old hand
And led him down the long hallway
Both trembled as she said softly
“Daddy, this is where we want you to stay”
The time had come and gone for him to live alone
And it was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do
But she believed it was for the best as she said
“We’ve found someone to take good care of you”
He wiped a tear from his faded old blue eyes
And said they were bothering him some
But squeezed her hand when she said
“We’ve worked hard to find you a new home”
She tried to be brave
But it took every ounce of courage that she had
As she showed him around the room and asked
“You’ll be alright here, won’t you, Dad?”
For a moment, understanding glimmered in his eyes
As he said “Sometimes it’s hard to do what you have to do”
And before the glimmer faded, he smiled and said
“I’m mighty proud of you”
Then with the blink of a eye
Without a care in the world
He turned and walked away
Forgetting she was his little girl
One More Day With You…
Betty Merritt
O, precious child of mine
O, how I love you so
My prayers are so confused
As I watch you suffer
Yet pray that you won’t go
While with the next breath
I pray for death’s release
Because I know you’ll be better off
In God’s care than mine
Where you’ll know sweet relief
My heart aches for you
As you struggle to live
And I ask God time and again
If there’s any way, to spare you
For you have so much love left to give
In desperation, I fall to my knees
And pray that God’s will be done
Thankful for one more day with you
One more chance to see your smile
Regardless of the heartache yet to come
Today, you’re with me
You’ll know how much I love you
By the touch of your Mother’s hands
And I thank God sincerely for
One more day with you
Betty Merritt
O, precious child of mine
O, how I love you so
My prayers are so confused
As I watch you suffer
Yet pray that you won’t go
While with the next breath
I pray for death’s release
Because I know you’ll be better off
In God’s care than mine
Where you’ll know sweet relief
My heart aches for you
As you struggle to live
And I ask God time and again
If there’s any way, to spare you
For you have so much love left to give
In desperation, I fall to my knees
And pray that God’s will be done
Thankful for one more day with you
One more chance to see your smile
Regardless of the heartache yet to come
Today, you’re with me
You’ll know how much I love you
By the touch of your Mother’s hands
And I thank God sincerely for
One more day with you
The last two, "One More Day with You" and "The Lost Child" are about my oldest daughter, Andrea, written while I was her hospice care provider before her death from cancer on January 19, 2006. As you can imagine, those 75 days were both the biggest blessing of my life and the worst thing I've ever gone through. If ever I doubted God's Amazing Grace, Power and Love, those doubts were erased forever and I came away with the rock solid belief that "God's Will won't take you where His Grace can't keep you!"
The Lost Child
Betty Merritt
The most horrible feeling
For a mother is to lose a child
Even for a moment, while they
Innocently play hide and seek
She’s gripped by terror
As her imagination runs wild
Her instincts tell her
As long as they’re in sight
She can protect them from harm
But the second they disappear
Her heart is filled with fright
I lost my child today.
She left on a journey all her own,
Out of my sight forever when with a final breath
She released my hand and took God’s
To walk with Him toward home
As my mother’s heart screamed
No! Hold on to my hand, not His..
His gentle, loving spirit whispered:
How can you say you lost a child
When you know where she is?
Betty Merritt
The most horrible feeling
For a mother is to lose a child
Even for a moment, while they
Innocently play hide and seek
She’s gripped by terror
As her imagination runs wild
Her instincts tell her
As long as they’re in sight
She can protect them from harm
But the second they disappear
Her heart is filled with fright
I lost my child today.
She left on a journey all her own,
Out of my sight forever when with a final breath
She released my hand and took God’s
To walk with Him toward home
As my mother’s heart screamed
No! Hold on to my hand, not His..
His gentle, loving spirit whispered:
How can you say you lost a child
When you know where she is?
Thanks so much for all you do, Nicki. I've discovered some wonderful people because you and Jennifer took the time and made the effort to provide all of us in the Class of '63 with a place to reconnect.
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2 comments:
Betty, thank you so much for sharing your story and your thoughts with us on the blog. The loss of a parent can be devastating, whether that loss comes in the form of physical death or the more cruel (I think) dying of the mind's light. I believe Alzheimer's is a double loss ... first of the mental acuity and personality that manifest the spark of life within us ... leading inexorably after such terrible twilight to the loss of life itself.
My grandfather suffered from Alzheimer's ... although then the disease was simply called "senility". It was dreadful to watch him leave us in bits and pieces, and I am quite certain that once my grandmother died, even with his diminished mental capacity he recognized that she was gone and knew that he did not want to linger in a world where she no longer lived. He followed her seven months later.
It is said that the worst loss we can face is the loss of a child, and truly I can only imagine how terrible it must have been for you when your daughter was dying, as well as when she finally left you. President Dwight D. Eisenhower, whose first son died in infancy, said "There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were."
I am so sorry for your losses, but moved by your strength and determination to live your life fully and well despite them.
Rabindranath Tagore, Bengali poet, artist, playwright, novelist and Nobel laureate described the hope and promise that we may take from tragedy when he said "Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come." I find much comfort in Tagore's analogy and I am glad to hear that you have found solace for your spirit and consolation to sustain you as you continue your journey.
)O(
Betty, thank you so much for sharing your experiences and talent with us. You have endured great losses and can be an inspiration for those of us who may have such hurdles ahead of us.
Don't give up on your novels. I understand how frustrating it can be when the brain isn't cooperating. I wondered during and after chemo if I would ever have another original thought. I felt like I had had a lobotomy. I'm finally having days when I actually feel clever!
Thanks again for sharing. Sometimes it's hard to put yourself out there.
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