Our little Noah had to leave us on Friday, August 29. I wasn't ready ... don't know if I ever would have been ... but it was time, to keep him from suffering and deteriorating further.
Noah was my sweet "baby" ... already an old dog when we adopted him a year ago, older even than the Shelter Rescue people had indicated. But to me, he was still my "baby" ... and I am so grateful for the year we had and for the sweetness and unconditional love he brought into my life. I have believed from our first day together that little Noah came to me for a reason, and his gentle loving nature and unreserved affection have greatly added to the lessons I believe I am supposed to learn in this life.
By Wednesday of last week, I knew the time to part from him was coming ... so much faster than I wanted ... and on Thursday evening, as we sat together on the couch with his head in my lap, he kept looking up into my eyes with his dear brown eyes, and I could see how tired he was ... and I believe with all my broken heart that he was telling me in his sweet patient way that it was time to let him go ... that he had done for me what he was intended to do ... and that he was ready.
On Friday morning I called my friend KC because I knew she would help me do the right thing for him, and not waver as Yahn and I both might have. Just before it was time to go to the vet, Noah rallied enough that we could have one of our special "dances" ... as best he could manage ... and hope tried to catch my heart again ... but then I could see how exhausted he was from the effort. I will treasure the memory of that "dance" ... his gift to me even though he was so tired ... as I will always treasure the memories of my baby Noah.
KC went with me to the vet, and stayed with me as I held Noah while he went oh so gently into that good night. I have been something of a basket case since and unable to write about him until now, except for a few e-mails to some very close friends.
On Saturday morning, as I was grieving his loss, the sweetest, truly mystical (and true) thing happened. I went to have coffee with KC since Yahn wasn't up ... and at one point in our conversation she jumped out of her chair and said: "I've wondered why I've had this for 14 years, and now I know. You are supposed to have it." She retrieved something from a shelf and came to me and handed me a beautiful little blue and clear "art glass" heart ... just big enough to cup in my hand. And when I did, and looked down at it, with the morning light from the windows illuminating it ... I saw little Noah at the bottom of the heart, in the play of light. He was standing in profile (his left side) with his little head up and his little poufy tail high, like it was when he was happy. Of course I cried ... but I so knew then that he is all right now. KC had not seen that image ... it's not a part of the design or any permanent occlusion in the glass ... just said she knew somehow that I was supposed to have the little heart....
When I brought the heart home with me, I put it in Yahn's hand and told him to look at it and tell me if he saw anything. He looked for a few seconds and said: "Oh my god, it's Noah." And then he described Noah's image, just as I had seen Noah in the glass.
Some of you may think my grief over losing Noah is excessive, and dismiss it with "he was just a dog" ... but he was oh so much more. He was pure, unselfish, selfless love ... and he did teach me so much about that enviable state.
Also on Saturday, I received from three friends (KC, Jim Spradley Sr. and Christopher Watts, an owner of The Petropolitan, who with his partner Todd Fisher, and James Donovan and Shawn Harper helped make Noah's last weeks so good for him) a story called Rainbow Bridge ... and I want to share it with you, in memory of my Noah. If you have seen it, I imagine you won't mind reading it again ... and if you haven't, particularly if you are an animal lover and have had your own heart broken by the loss of a wonderful companion, I think you may find some hope and comfort in the words.
Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...
Many thanks to all who have sent words and thoughts of comfort. And I hope that when you make charitable contributions, you may think of all the wonderful animals who are deserving of our help, even as they give so much to us ... and that you will give some back to them....
I haven't stopped crying yet ... but I know one day I will ... that one day all my good memories of Noah will warm me and bring so many smiles....
Noah's cremated physical remains will come "home" again this week ... and he will always be in my heart ... always be "my baby Noah"....
)O(
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18 comments:
Jennifer,
Thanks so much for sharing your memories of Noah and for letting us share your grief. Anyone who has ever lost a pet will understand totally how you feel. For the humans left behind the grief is real and the pain from the loss is never about losing "just an animal" but rather losing a dearly loved being who has in most cases enriched the lives of their humans beyond measure and is truly missed. I am so glad that your dear friend KC has shared her heart with you and Yahn. What a wonderful gift from her and from Noah!
I do love the "Rainbow Bridge" story. How comforting to think of all of our furry friends waiting for us!
Jim and I send our sympathy to you and Yahn for your loss. Noah really did capture our hearts through the blog and your stories so we will miss him, too. We are thinking of you!
Love, Nicki
Jennifer, I am so sorry to hear of your loss, which I know is a great one for you. Regardless of the inevitability of death, it is never easy on the ones left behind. I would like to thank you having the compassion to make sure that Noah's last days were spent in comfort and joy. You are a good mom.
Jenn: I just finished reading about little Noah and as a dog lover myself, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel and we are never really ready to let them go, even tho we know deep down it is the best thing for their sake.
When I had to have one of my 4 previous Boxers put to sleep, I think it was Luke, I was heart broken. One of my friends sent me the story "Rainbow Bridge" and I thought you would appreciate it. I am pleased to know you did and I hope it helps you Jenn, as it has for me several times.
Warmest regards,
Jim, Sr.
I'm so sad to have read about Noah. As you know, time will help. Your story was beautifully written. The "Art Glass" Heart from KC was really touching as was "Rainbow Bridge"...Just reading all of it brought me to tears also. Many memories of Boomer, Rascal & all the others that I will always treasure & still miss dearly. I would have called but I think we're both too emotional right now. I get very upset over things like this just like you. I'll be thinking of you and we'll talk when you feel a little better.
Love, Johnny
SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. IT IS DIFFICULT BUT THE MANY HAPPY MOMENTS INCLUDING "DANCES" WILL HELP EASE THE PAIN.
so sorry to hear about Noah -- Alan & I know the pain after losing Spot -- but little Pixie & Scruffie filled the empty place -- i am planning to send you my Grandmother's poem "Little Dog Lost" in honor of Noah --
Lv, Pat
Jenn - so sorry to hear about your loss. I know they become family so quickly and loosing them is hard. Looking forward to our visiting in October. Jim and I will be on our way to Branson the 18th of September for 10 days. Sure do need the R&R, then shortly afterwards will be able to get with good friends again.
Lots of love - rae
Jennifer, I'm so sorry about the loss of Noah. How special it was for both of you that you had a great year together! It is a very special gift to be a dog's chosen person. We've loved and lost dogs, and I'm still convinced that I'll recognize my mansion in heaven because Dixi, Deeni and Danni will be standing at the door waiting for me.
Much sympathy to you.
Oh dear friends ... Nicki, Sheila, Jim, Johnny, Roland, Pat, Raenell, Driscilla ... and others who have called or e-mailed (but not for publication) ... and KC and Chris and Shawn and Todd and James ... all of you who have both figuratively and literally held my hand and offered a shoulder during these past difficult days ... your friendship and your kind words and thoughts mean more to me than I can possibly express.
Every one of you has made me cry ... but in the best way possible. You have soothed my heart and my soul, and brought smiles to my face, as well as tears to my eyes.
I've written on the blog (recently in one post) of how great a gift the blog is because it allows us to reach out to each other and to offer comfort and understanding, when we may need it most, in these later years of our lives. All of you have proved my point ... and I thank and love you all for caring ... and for reaching out to "touch" me ... and the memory of little Noah....
Thank you all for your gifts of compassion....
)O(
I am so sorry to hear this………I know it is not easy……
Sprad
Hi -- I wanted to send you the poem for Noah, written a long time ago by my grandmother, although, of course, the circumstances in the poem are very different -- the loss is the same -- again, we are so sorry --
"DEATH OF A LITTLE DOG
He lay crumpled by the roadside his one wee life crushed out --
the little collar he had worn was scattered round about --
I hurried by the bleeding wreck upon my heart a pain --
I wondered what small boy tonight would watch and call in vain."
Best always, Pat
Pat! I love your grandmother. Wish I had known her.
Hey Jenn, I tried to call you and nicki and marilyn…(marilyn several times)…..no answers………I feel like the guy in the twilight zone that got exiled out to the corn patch…..
Hoakie doakie………I have done it now……..I have booked our flights to Amarillo to arrive Thursday oct 2 a little bit before one……..we are renting a car and driving to childress…..got a reservation at the quality inn………so ready or not …..here I come….
I was very concerned that I was overweight and would look really bad in front of all of you guys at the reunion….……so I made arrangements to have major surgery with complete loss of appetite for 45 days so I would not eat………thereby losing about 25 lbs…..…although I had to give up a kidney to look really svelte at the reunion it was worth it….. …I am now so skinny I could tread water in a garden hose………now….if I can just stay off the Mexican food and beer for the next 30 days…….
I would love to play golf with Jim………but the only thing I know about golf is it is hard to play…..and more importantly…..this huge gash the docs cut into me may preclude any type of golf swing without my unraveling…….or even doing the twist at the Elks club……
Maybe jimmy would let me drive a golf cart……..or maybe I could just play the entire round with a putter……..
I still have not been able to talk to Marilyn to get that package………..but I want to participate in everything……….count me in…..
Gotta git….
Sprad
Pat, thanks so much for sending your grandmother's poem. As you noted, the circumstances are different, but the loss is still the same ... and I thank you so much for sharing this on behalf of my dear little Noah. Your friendship has always been a treasure....
Hey Mike ... sorry I was out of pocket today but we were lost in the wilds of Indian Country ... literally ... perhaps even the Twilight Zone ... but that is another story.... So looking forward to seeing you and Ada ... one month from today!!!! I was glad to see from your comment ... and after we talked ... that your sense of humor and joie de vivre remain irrepressible and irreverent!!! Also looking forward to more of your great stories....
)O(
It's hard to lose a fuzzy family member. I'm sure I'll be reunited with Rinny, Jake, Fagin, Max, and Annie some day. Murray and Bogart are still with us.
Mike---good to hear from your new svelte self! Being skinny was the only perk of chemo and surgery for me---other than being alive, of course. I took care of the skinny part by eating nonstop for a year---lots of ice cream-----no longer svelte, but still alive!
See you in October.
I read about Noah and I am so very sorry to hear of your pain. I went through it with Sister whom I'd had since she was a tiny pup and it was like losing a child. She was thirteen.
Jenn, you've got a lot of love to share with a dog and I sincerely hope you adopt another one. There are so many that have been mistreated and definitely need to be loved and you need to share all the love you have.
Hey Guys, With the reunion just around the corner, I thought I'd drop a note with some thoughts. I'm sad that Winnie and I won't be able to be with you. I have been playing catch-up ever since returning from Africa. Planning on returning next month. We now have two more grandchildren, Miley Grace and Brody James. That gives us 17 grandkids.
Anyway, no doubt, the reunion will be a great time of reconnecting and many memories, mostly good, some distorted, and others vague. Someone sent me a quote, maybe you, that has really stuck with me. "When our memories of what used to be, exceed and outweigh our dreams, the end is near." If I had the opportunity to address our class of 1963, here is what I'd say:
Having preached dozens, if not hundreds of funerals over the last 44 years, it's sad to see so many unfulfilled dreams not come to pass. Not that they couldn't have happened but that the dreams were given up on. Not only dreams but songs, poems, stories and the like have gone to the grave. Memories of the past are great, both real and the ones we choose to tweak to fit our emotions, but as long as we live, we need to make new memories that come through chasing the unfulfilled dreams. It's never to late, Keep on dreaming. Make this reunion memorable! Blessings on you!
Dr. Phillip and Winnie Tutor
Clara and Lynn, you are such dear friends, and I thank you so much for your good thoughts.
Phil, it's great to see you back on the blog again. We've missed you! And we will miss you at the reunion ... so sorry you can't make it ... but will look forward to seeing you again soon in some other venue. Congrats on the 17th grandchild!!!
)O(
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