In Memory of My Baby Noah ... A Little Heart ... and Rainbow Bridge....

Our little Noah had to leave us on Friday, August 29. I wasn't ready ... don't know if I ever would have been ... but it was time, to keep him from suffering and deteriorating further.

Noah was my sweet "baby" ... already an old dog when we adopted him a year ago, older even than the Shelter Rescue people had indicated. But to me, he was still my "baby" ... and I am so grateful for the year we had and for the sweetness and unconditional love he brought into my life. I have believed from our first day together that little Noah came to me for a reason, and his gentle loving nature and unreserved affection have greatly added to the lessons I believe I am supposed to learn in this life.

By Wednesday of last week, I knew the time to part from him was coming ... so much faster than I wanted ... and on Thursday evening, as we sat together on the couch with his head in my lap, he kept looking up into my eyes with his dear brown eyes, and I could see how tired he was ... and I believe with all my broken heart that he was telling me in his sweet patient way that it was time to let him go ... that he had done for me what he was intended to do ... and that he was ready.

On Friday morning I called my friend KC because I knew she would help me do the right thing for him, and not waver as Yahn and I both might have. Just before it was time to go to the vet, Noah rallied enough that we could have one of our special "dances" ... as best he could manage ... and hope tried to catch my heart again ... but then I could see how exhausted he was from the effort. I will treasure the memory of that "dance" ... his gift to me even though he was so tired ... as I will always treasure the memories of my baby Noah.

KC went with me to the vet, and stayed with me as I held Noah while he went oh so gently into that good night. I have been something of a basket case since and unable to write about him until now, except for a few e-mails to some very close friends.

On Saturday morning, as I was grieving his loss, the sweetest, truly mystical (and true) thing happened. I went to have coffee with KC since Yahn wasn't up ... and at one point in our conversation she jumped out of her chair and said: "I've wondered why I've had this for 14 years, and now I know. You are supposed to have it." She retrieved something from a shelf and came to me and handed me a beautiful little blue and clear "art glass" heart ... just big enough to cup in my hand. And when I did, and looked down at it, with the morning light from the windows illuminating it ... I saw little Noah at the bottom of the heart, in the play of light. He was standing in profile (his left side) with his little head up and his little poufy tail high, like it was when he was happy. Of course I cried ... but I so knew then that he is all right now. KC had not seen that image ... it's not a part of the design or any permanent occlusion in the glass ... just said she knew somehow that I was supposed to have the little heart....

When I brought the heart home with me, I put it in Yahn's hand and told him to look at it and tell me if he saw anything. He looked for a few seconds and said: "Oh my god, it's Noah." And then he described Noah's image, just as I had seen Noah in the glass.

Some of you may think my grief over losing Noah is excessive, and dismiss it with "he was just a dog" ... but he was oh so much more. He was pure, unselfish, selfless love ... and he did teach me so much about that enviable state.

Also on Saturday, I received from three friends (KC, Jim Spradley Sr. and Christopher Watts, an owner of The Petropolitan, who with his partner Todd Fisher, and James Donovan and Shawn Harper helped make Noah's last weeks so good for him) a story called Rainbow Bridge ... and I want to share it with you, in memory of my Noah. If you have seen it, I imagine you won't mind reading it again ... and if you haven't, particularly if you are an animal lover and have had your own heart broken by the loss of a wonderful companion, I think you may find some hope and comfort in the words.

Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

I believe with all my immortal soul that through that small glass heart Noah let us know that he is all right now, and waiting for me near Rainbow Bridge, that he will one day see me coming toward him, and that we will cross that bridge together into the next life, our next stage of existence, another world, another time and times....

Many thanks to all who have sent words and thoughts of comfort. And I hope that when you make charitable contributions, you may think of all the wonderful animals who are deserving of our help, even as they give so much to us ... and that you will give some back to them....

I haven't stopped crying yet ... but I know one day I will ... that one day all my good memories of Noah will warm me and bring so many smiles....

Noah's cremated physical remains will come "home" again this week ... and he will always be in my heart ... always be "my baby Noah"....

)O(

Noah's Journal: The Case of the Missing Mistress....

Wednesday May 21, 2008

....Uff, hmph ... hoof ... yawn.... Mama? Hi Mama... Time to get up and go for our walk? It's awfully dark in here.... Look out the window ... it's awfully dark out there, Mama.... Middle of the night, Mama ... my little bed is soooo snug ... rather dream about chasing those cats.... Snuffle, rhumpf, hoof ... zzzzzz....

Okay ... light outside now ... never did catch the cats .... time to go for our walk now, Mama ... time to get up, Mama ... Mama? Mama? Where are you, Mama? Gotta go see ... into the bedroom.... Snuffle, snuffle, snort, hoof.... Mama??? Mama???

There's Daddy ... my leash ... bending down to put it on me ... gonna take me to Mama?.... Gotta see Mama ... out the door ... where's Mama's car??? Sniff around where it was when we came home from our ride yesterday ... where's Mama, Daddy? We walk and walk ... look under bushes, shrubs ... back to the house ... run to the bedroom, look in the bathroom, look in the other bathroom, the kitchen ... where's my Mama??? Whine, snuffle, scratch at the back door .... look on patio ... sniff, rhumpf, hoof.... Where's my Mama, Daddy? My Mama's not here.... Why won't you take me to Mama?

Okay ... I'll take those butterballs and that ham ... mmmmm ... you're a good Daddy ... but I still want my Mama.... Walking and trotting and chasing birds is tiring ... hoof, rhumph ... little nap ... then find Mama.... Snuffle, rhumpf ... zzzzzz....

Snort, stretch ... run to the bedroom to get Mama ...whine, hoof, snuffle, cry ... can't see Mama in the bed ... can't see the top of the bed with my little short legs ... maybe the bathroom ... other bathroom ... kitchen ... guest rooms, living room ... where's my Mama???? Daddy, why isn't Mama here??? Have you done something to my Mama??? Hoof, snuff ... Daddy, I want my Mama!!! Where is she??? What did you do??? You'd better tell me ... look me in the eye ... I am a serious doggie.... grrrrrrr....

Okay ... leash ... let's go find Mama.... Root, snuffle, ramble, sniff.... Where's Mama? Airplane???? ... Mama's on an airplane? What the woof is an airplane, and why would Mama leave me to go on one???? Makes no sense to me.... Fly??? Birds fly ... Mama doesn't fly.... Did you send her away on that airplane thing??? Where is my Mama????? You bring her back ... NOW ... I want my Mama!!!! What did you do to my Mama??? Gotta take control.... Stare at Daddy.... grrrrrr....

More butterballs ... you think I don't know there's medicine in there? I'm a smart fellow, Daddy.... Mama knows I'm smart.... Still, they taste really, really good ... eat some just to humor Daddy ... but they are really, really good ... and eat some of that food in the dish ... keep up my strength ... gotta find Mama....

Run to the bedroom ... nose under the ruffle, all around the bed under the ruffle ... Mama, are you there? Closet ... Mama's shoes ... clothes ... smell Mama ... Mama smells good ... but where is Mama? Look out the back door ... no Mama.... What's that??? The shower ... Mama takes showers ... oh Mama!!!! Run to the bathroom ... can't get over the side of the tub ... damned short legs ... waiting, waiting, dancing ... Daddy comes out ... wet, dripping ... drips on me, ick! Ewwwww! Not Mama..... Where's Mama, Daddy??? grrrrrrrr..... Want my Mama ... NOW ... take me to Mama!!!!! Look Daddy in the eye with a masterful gaze.... grrrrrrrr.......

Daddy and the leash again.... Are we gonna find Mama now??? Gettin' tired of this game ... outside, birds, cars ... silver car!!!! Mama has a silver car!!! Whine, scratch, paw, sniff ... not Mama's silver car. Little short legs ... why don't I have long, powerful legs? If I had long tall legs I might see Mama just down the street.... Look under bushes (can't see over them with these little short legs), around trees ... Mama, Mama.... Daddy, what have you done with my Mama??? Mama wouldn't leave me.... I want her ... NOW ... need to see Mama, gotta see Mama ... gotta see her ... gotta see her ... gotta see Mama....

Back in the house ... run to the bedroom, snuffle through the closet, rumple through the bathrooms ... sniff here, sniff there ... look behind the curtains, snuffle ... look at those lazy cats over there ... they won't help me look for Mama.... Don't they care that Mama's missing??? Fickle, fickle ... as long as they have their Fancy Feast, they don't seem to care who gives it to them ... harrrumph, snort.... Don't they know Mama is the food giver??? Don't they care??? Well, Toody helped look some.... Maybe my friends Murray and Bogart could help.... But Daddy ... where's my Mama??? I want to know NOW!!! BRING ME MY MAMA!!! NOW!!! Look the Master in the eye with an animal gaze.... grrrrrrrrr......

Getting dark again ... Mama, it's getting dark!!!! Ring, ring, ring ... Daddy picks up something ... talks, talks, talks ... holds thing down to me ... I hear Mama ... but where is Mama??? Mama??? Mama??? Did Daddy put you in that thing??? Bark, bark ... Mama, Mama ... I can't see you Mama....

Mama can you hear me???? Mama can you see me???? Mama are you near me, can you find me in the night??? Mama can you help me not be frightened? Streisand ... I could be a Vegas show dog if I wanted to ... sing, dance ... little short legs.... Drat!!! Mama ... please Mama, pat my head, stroke my back, tickle under my chin ... Mama can you hear me???? Please, Mama....

Daddy puts that thing down ... can't reach it ... little, stubby legs ... should have loooooong, graceful legs ... and paws with opposable thumbs to pick up that thing to see if Mama's in there.... Look in the bedrooms, the bathrooms, the closet, the dining room, look on the patio.... Dark outside.... Where's Mama? Daddy, where's Mama? What have you done with my Mama???? grrrrrrrr........

Stalk Daddy to kitchen.... grrrrrrr.... Stalk Daddy to bedroom.... grrrrrrr..... Stalk Daddy to the bathroom.... Dog him.... Make Daddy tell me.... I am a dog of substance and I will not be trifled with!!!! grrrrrrrr......

Tired ... stalking Daddy is hard work ... gotta rest ... climb into my little bed with my little short legs ... think what to do to find Mama ... think, think, think.... snort, rhumpf, hoof ... zzzzzzzzz.....

Dark .. late ... no Mama.... More butterballs??? Dude, they're good, but you're not gettin' the big picture here.... My Mama's missing... she's gone ... you're not helping me find her ... you must know something I don't know. What have you done to my Mama???? You know where Mama is, don't you??? Take me to her NOW, Dude ... before I have to ruff you up!!! Mama, Mama ... bedroom, closet, shoes, bathrooms, kitchen ... cat box ... yech!!!! Gross!!!

Okay, Daddy ... Tried to be nice about this ... only growled at you just a little bit ,,, just to show you ... make my point.... But here I am ...seriously ... look into my eyes ... deeply.... I'm doggedly determined, Dude!!!! No more messin' around here.... I want my Mama. Want her NOW!!! grrrrrr ... stalk ... grrrrr ... stalk ... grrrrrr..... This room's not big enough for both of us without Mama in it.... grrrrrrrr..... stalk....

Humph??? The door??? Mama???? Mama???? MAMA!!!!! Yip, woof, hoot, roll, rhumpf ... MAMA!!!!! You're here!!!! You're home!!!! Scratch my tummy, Mama ... ruffle my ears Mama ... MAMA!!!!! I FOUND YOU!!! I FOUND YOU MAMA!!!!! I'm a goooood doggie.... Snuggle, snuffle ... hoof ... Mama's lap ... zzzzzzzz....

)O(

Monsters Among Us ....

For the past day or so, I have been using writing, both for the original Class of 1963 blog and the Las Vegas Reunion linked blog, to distract me, and my thoughts, from something terrible which happened over the weekend, and with which I am still trying to come to grips. I even alluded in a "Comment" yesterday to Nicki's "Traditions" post that as children, we were not aware that real monsters might lurk in the houses we visited to Trick or Treat so long ago. But my mind and my heart are unsettled, and torn, and I feel that there is a genuine warning, or at least a cautionary tale, to be rendered so that perhaps someone will not make the awful mistake that I recently made. What is upsetting me so is something that has happened to one of the innocents ... the sweet little dog Noah ... perpetrated by vile people ... "monsters" among us.

As some of you know, I made a recent trip to Clarendon; a few know that the trip was made to deliver Noah, a little shelter dog we had adopted, to my daughter Shannon, who had said she would take him when problems arose with Noah and our cats. We had become concerned because of the cats, who were afraid of him, and at whom he had begun to bark and charge. We think Noah just wanted to play with them, rather than hurt them, but we were not completely certain of that, and we felt a responsibility toward the cats as well as to him. So when Shannon said she would take him, we thought it was the best of all possible solutions. And so I went to Texas.

When I arrived after a two-day trip, Shannon told me that her friend and co-worker, Wes (cursed be his name!), really, really wanted to have a little house dog like Noah, and would I let Wes take him? Despite many misgivings, and with Shannon's assurances that he was a "good guy", I met with Wes and talked with him for a while about Noah and my concerns, and he assured me that he and his family would take wonderful care of Noah. I made him promise me, several times, that if for any reason it didn't work out, anything at all, he would return Noah to Shannon, who would try to integrate him with her dog ... but if that failed, for Shannon to call me and I would return for him. Wes agreed, as did Shannon, and Shannon confirmed to him that all he had to do was call her and she would take Noah ... and he agreed again ... and so, despite my misgivings, I left him in Wes' hands and returned here. But my mind remained uneasy about Noah, somehow, and I called Shannon every other day to ask her to call Wes and get a report about how Noah was doing. The word always came back that he was doing "GREAT!" And still I worried, although Yahn tried to tell me I was being silly.

Last Friday afternoon, I got a call from the Shelter Rescue group from whom I had adopted Noah, and had my heart nearly torn from my chest. Our sweet little Noah was in Phoenix (Phoenix, for god's sake, when I had left him two states away, in Clarendon, Texas) where he had apparently been abandoned, tied up outside an animal shelter that had been closed for four months. He was in kidney failure, obviously had not had enough to eat or enough water, and had sores on him because someone had shaved ALL the hair off him ... down to the skin, still raw and red in places ... even around his face and mouth!

I called Shannon to ask what the HELL had happened, particularly in light of the reports of how GREAT Noah was doing. She called Wes and then came back to me with some story about how the dog had run away and Wes didn't know what had happened to him. IF true, Wes apparently didn't care either. I asked why he hadn't called her, so they could go out driving and looking for him, maybe post fliers, and she apparently got the equivalent of a shrug from that s-o-b. I don't think Shannon really thought there was any problem and I do believe that she would never have been a participant in such an outrage.

I doubt that we will ever really know just what happened. Nevertheless, somehow Noah ended up in Phoenix ... someone had removed his collar and tags that I had left with him, probably to keep him from being identified. So there would have been NO tracing him at all if it had not been for the microchip implanted in his neck, which traced him back to the Rescue Shelter, which called me. We left for Phoenix early the next morning, and brought poor Noah back that same day, and every time I look at him, I start to cry.

Noah left here a happy, sweet, darling little thing who wanted nothing more than to love "his" people, and to be loved by them. He is now afraid, his eyes full of hurt and fear, even his dreams tormented by the terrible things that have happened to him. We are trying so hard to nurse and nurture him back to love and trust and health, but I fear it is going to be a while before he reaches that stage. He was happy to see me at the vet clinic in Phoenix, and he now sits again with me in my (our) chair at night ... but what has happened to him is unspeakable ... and I am just hoping so hard that he will recover and be a happy, loving little dog again. I feel so guilty for having left him in Clarendon ... I should have followed my heart and, if Shannon had changed her mind, brought him back with me. But I was misled by a glib young man who ... even if he or someone in his family didn't do such horrible damage (but I think they did) ... didn't think or care enough about an innocent soul to return him to good hands, and just drove (perhaps literally) Noah away.

I know some might say, "Well, jeez, it's only a dog" ... but it is the violation of trust and innocence as much as the actual things Noah may have suffered that is making me literally sick at my stomach and dark in my soul. I cannot imagine ... indeed to some degree I am pleased my imagination is not that depraved ... how anyone with a soul or a conscience could do such a thing to a helpless animal, or a helpless child, or anything or anyone who cannot defend itself. And I can't help thinking of Noah alone, in the dark, with no food or water, possibly with predators around him, unable to even flee if danger came. When we retrieved him and began the long drive back to Las Vegas, he was so afraid that he wouldn't lie down to rest, and would just fall asleep in the car, standing up. Yesterday he began lying down, although he sometimes thrashes and whimpers in his sleep. I don't know when (or if) Noah will recover fully ... and I don't know how long it will take before I am able to consign this event to a proper place ... in the past ... in my mind. And I don't know when my heart will stop breaking to think that I put him in such a situation.

Noah is "home" now, where I so wish he had never left ... and will stay with us ... and the cats. We will find some way, and I will not give in to any other entreaties to find him another home. I made a horrible mistake ... albeit with the best of intentions, but then you know where Good Intentions Road leads ... and Noah and Yahn (who also feels terribly guilty because he urged me to find another home for Noah) and I, and the cats, will have to deal with those repercussions for a long time to come.

If you haven't microchipped your beloved animals, I recommend doing so. We "did" the cats about a year ago, and it only cost $20 per cat. Our kitties are strictly "house cats", and our little Noah is a "house" dog, but there is the odd chance that one of them might escape through a door inadvertently left open. And as Noah has proved, the microchip can greatly facilitate the return of a lost and loved pet.

And I do so ask you to say a special prayer, or at least send a good thought (for that is a prayer, in essence) to little Noah, who SO did NOT deserve what has happened to him. And know that there are "monsters" all around us ... even in the guise of nice young men ... and be wary.

Perhaps this is not a proper story for a blog dedicated to the Class of 1963. But I thought that maybe if I could write about it, it might help ... even possibly help bring someone's cherished pet home someday. And maybe it will ... somehow, sometime .... And finally, when you consider donations to charities in the upcoming holiday season, or anytime, please think to give at least a small portion to the agencies who rescue the innocents, who surely must rely upon, and be lifted, and rest "in the arms of the angels ...."